depressive front...

It's been awhile since this particular page has seen any action. And in my case, awhile for posting means anything longer than 2 days. Mwahaha. Writing addict. Apparently it's something I'm good at. But sometimes, I not too sure. Aih.

I should be real cheerful right now. Like, Evon's back for the weekend. Will be seeing her tomorrow. Aih. I really should be having dinner with her family. She was very very patient with mine, lolz. But I don't know. My life is not going according to perceived arrangements. It's fallen apart from the predicted path. Notice I shy away from applying the word plan. No plan ever works out the way you expect. With prediction, you allow for an infinite amount of error without taking on the blame. Bloody irresponsible.

Anyways, a depressive front has built up. Might last for the rest of my life.

rotting to bits

we never miss it
although it's always there
or maybe because it's there
that we don't see how
or why

but now it's gone
maybe for now
maybe for ever
maybe it never was there in the first place

or perhaps even
it's all playing in my head
or it is not
and it's the truth
maybe a slump
maybe a permanent pit
leading on into infinity
i cannot tell
all i know
is that
it's decaying

my talents
my skills
my knowledge
my life
rotting to bits

Jin out.

blatant coincidence...

I've begun to notice. Almost all the new people I've met since this year are inexplicably linked to each other one way or another. One of Eva's friends was at a party I attended on Saturday. True enough,I didn't know Simone at all, but was dragged there by her ex, Darien. Wonderful. It seems that Eva's friend knew her cousin at whose house it was being held. Nice place. You can read about it here. At any rate, the number of weblike connections are inexplicable, unless of course, I've fallen into an already existing social network. Coolness.

coincidence?

i thought i was alone
that only i knew
or at least
no one i knew
knew

strange how one
simple link
can make a long chain
or even a large net
or a tapestry

it's 6 degrees of seperation
or mayhaps even just 2
or maybe all you need is yourself
or perhaps it's just
a simple
coincidence?

Jin out.

missing my baby dearly...

Yeah. Said it a million times before, and I'll say it again. I miss you, Evon.

so much, so far...

it's so much to say
it's so far to be
it's so hard to think
it's so complicated to feel

maybe it's just complicated
maybe it's just hard
maybe it's just far
maybe it's just much

or maybe it's just you

Jin out.

doomed to failure...

I have a deepest foreboding feeling. It's something I generally disdain, not least because of the empty stomach feeling. I feel like I'm going to fail something, and it's going to be proven either way soon. Ah.

doomed

i'm gonna die
that much is certain
i'm gonna fail
that much is given

it's too much to ask
that i stop thinking this way
it's too much to do
to think of anything else to say

so i guess it's so simple
that i just keep on this path resumed
so i guess it's uncomplicated
to understand the reasons i'm doomed

Jin out.

for Evon...

It's been almost 24 hours since I last saw her. Right now, she's resting her beautiful head on a pillow in some hotel in Kangar, tired out from her long journey, getting ready to start a new phase in her life in about 8 hours time. And for me, I can't sleep. Thinking about her. No, I'm not sad she left. I'm happy she's pursuing her goal, though my constant repetition of that line makes me wonder what I really feel. There isn't that rough edged longing in my heart. In fact, over dinner I talked with enthusiasm about her new life there. Almost as if, I was there with her. Maybe I am.

Missing You...

Missing you dearly
though it's barely been a day
and the hours seem like years
though it's something not quite right to say

Missing you so much
I never knew I could
but I know I'm very happy for you
that's the least I know I should

Missing you, my darling
I'm sure you know that by now
I pray that you're there safely
and enjoy yourself somehow

Missing you, my love
and hopefully without pain
that soon, and quickly as swift can be
we'll see each other again

I love you, Evon.

Jin out.

total mental miscommunication...

I've been thinking much in the past 5 minutes. I have come to realise that it's pointless. I should just write with my brain seperate from my fingers. That way, it would make more sense. Or at least, it should. Whatever.

Miscommunicate

What
is
wrong
with
writing
one
word
a
line?
Is
it
so
hard
to
understand
this
or
is
this
just
absolutely and totally a random miscommunication?

Jin out.

P.S. That didn't turn out so well.

tell me...

I think this still applies, even though the time of writing was a serious period of questioning, period meaning between 5 minutes and 5 hours. Yes, this is still an exploration of classics. But honestly, I haven't been writing long enough to call anything I write a classic, not even in relevance to me. Whatever. Mehness.

Tell Me

Tell me
What you really think of me
Behind sweet smiles
You hide your deep hate

Tell me
What you really see in me
Behind approving glances
You hide evil glares

Tell me
What you really want of me
Behind generous gestures
You hide covetous hearts

Tell me
What you want me to be
Behind kind acceptance
You hide your ostracision

Back From Beyond the Grave

The dead man rose
And looked around
And saw that no one cared
What was then his life
And now they'll care
When he comes back from death
And they will know
And they will bow
And all will cower
When he unleashes breath
A long wind stagnant
And they will feel his presence
Where they ignored it in life
What they will fear in death

Shut up

Shut up, boy
That's what I used to hear
And one day
I decided it was worth to bear
And shut up I did
And said nary a word
Even if it was something I wanted
Or to insult a foolish turd
I wouldn't speak
I wouldn't talk
I wouldn't yell
Or scream or balk
Then one day
It came to light
I had to speak
To break a fight
But no not I
I wouldn't budge
I just shut up
Fearing I would be called sludge
I had to speak
Telling truth or having lied
It didn't matter I didn't talk
So I just shut up and died

Jin out.

revisiting classics...

Yeah, some of my best poetry were from the early days of quicksilverlining. I suppose it makes sense revisiting them, especially my personal favourites. I suppose a few people do appreciate reading these, though they are bloody amateurish. Not to say that Shakespeare was all that good at the beginning either, especially given his time of literary giants. I still think that amateur works tend to be more interesting because they are more personal and less structured. But that's just me.

Teardrops

Teardrops
Falling down
In dripping thoughts
Silent cries spot your eyes
Sobbing quietly
Pain withheld within
Away from prying
With no one hearing
Alone
Breaking of heart
Within the face of stone

Teardrops
Running down
In falling spirits
Painful thoughts haunt your mind
Yearning wistfully
Pain withheld within
Clutching tightly
With no one knowing
Alone
Breaking of heart
Within the face of stone

Teardrops
Flowing down
In sundered emotions
Joyless laughter fill your lips
Whispering soundlessly
Pain withheld within
Caged from touch
With no one feeling
Alone
Breaking of heart
Within the face of stone

Peace

Peace
Silence of the dark
With nothing stirring black
Silk smooth as thick as night

Tranquility
Stillness of stone
Lying without motion
Betraying no life

Deepness
Fathomless pools
Unending depths of glass
Held in eternal cold

Peace
Silence of the dark
With nothing stirring black
Silk smooth as thick as night

Calm
Unshaking solitude
Gentle breeze of quiet
Unwinding mosaic piece

Agelessness
Everlasting presence
Always beholding
Timeless passage

Peace
Silence of the dark
With nothing stirring black
Silk smooth as thick as night

Cut

The first is deepest
The second hurts as bad
The third teaches lessons learnt
And the fourth only shows you're sad
The fifth is a reminder
The six shows what you're worth
The seventh represents your abilities
And the eight is a symbol of your birth
The ninth and tenth only serve to show
That life is full of painful cuts,
The last is the final blow.

That should suffice for today, no? More coming soon. That is, if I do remember which ARE classics and which are junk.

Jin out.

it ain't that simple...

Some people say I'm lucky that I'm smart. I wonder what gave them that idea. Good grades do not reflect intelligence, nor the capacity to process that intelligence. The smartest people I know didn't do too well in their formal education, but I'd say that they are better off than me. At least they can survive in this fucked up world. Me? Haha. What a joke.

it ain't that simple

you think it's all roses
don't you?
i'll say one thing
that you don't know what it's been
how it's like to not know this
or that
but maybe you do
and i'm the one deluded

perhaps they're right
but more likely they're not
but who am i to say
i'm supposed to be the smart one
but you can't tell either
can you?
you want to know me better?
well, so do i
not that anyone understands
not even i

to say it's good to be me
it ain't that simple

Jin out.

still fucked up...

I still feel terribly fucked up over upsetting Evon. Like, horribly horribly so, especially evident if you read today's Xanga entry. How not to? It was blatantly obvious that it was my mistake, and I didn't have the guts to apologise, even after she told me how she likes her apologies. Haha. Last night's lame attempt at apologising is hilarious, ironically. I find it so funny that a wordsmith like me could lose his tongue when confronted by anyone. But then again, this isn't just anyone. She's my girl, and I'd bloody fucking hate to hurt her. Which I did, and sadly probably will again. Ah!

I should just die...

I should just die
No question about it
Or better still
Never have been
It would have made more sense that way
If I never held sway
Over the things I do now
Or rather what I didn't
But the bottom line is
For what I did
Or will do to her
I should just die...

Jin out.

i'm sorry...

Hey, darling. Since I now know that you know of this, I think I should be a bit more careful what I write, eh? Mwahahaha. Okay lar, I don't always write what I think lor. Sometimes I like to exaggerate for what few readers I have. So, if what I write about you seems terrible, you have every right to slap me straight across the face, or even worse, write about me. Okay? Here's my apology, in writing, cuz I feel like I did significantly piss you badly, more than once, and more than you mentioned. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry if I made you cry
I'm sorry if I just didn't see
I'm sorry if I ever hurt you
I'm sorry if I didn't know it was me

I don't know how else to say
And you know my words are weak when you are there
I think it's best I just shut up
That's the best I can say

So I'll just write what I think I should
Or stuff that could maybe make a difference
Perhaps an apology might work
Or it could just make things worse

But it's my honesty that I try to bear
I can't say it any how else
Or anywhere
I'm sorry in the truest sense

I'm sorry if I didn't know
I'm sorry if I didn't show
I'm sorry if I didn't call
I'm sorry that I did anything to hurt you at all

Jin out.

toilet rolls...

Okay, I just thought up this silly poem, but it's kind of insightful in a sense. Tell me what you think.

Pipe Dreams

Pipe dreams of toilet rolls,
isn't it absurd to what we know,
nothing is a lot,
and a lot much less,
that much confess,
nothing makes sense,
and doing what's best,
it's all hopes and what-ifs galore,
all quite a stupid bore,
could die from the daftness,
if it all weren't all so deep,
but in the end,
all they be are stupid pipe dreams.

Jin out.

double duhness...

Maybe I should put up a counter here. Like, who's here? I don't know. Mwahaha. If you guys like my writing, I'd be much obliged if you would leave your comments about each piece. Thanks a bunch!


Lost in Translation

I told you
There never was a reason
To worry
About my current desperation
But somehow
The message never got through
Or was it
Just lost in translation

Nobody Cares

I could have told you
That I'm alone
In this fucked up world

I could have shown you
That no one's there
No one gives a damn

It's just plain to see
That there's only me
Why should I care
If anybody's there
There's no point waiting
My patience dissapating
Pointless hope
I should just stay in my room to mope

I should have said this
That it's pointlessness
For me to be

I should have done this
Left myself alone
Sleeping in my room

It's loneliness
And joylessness
If there's nothing left to see
Now then, what of me
In the end nobody's there
Because nobody cares

Jin out.

broken...

I think she has just rebuked me, in the most indirect way possible. And I feel the sting. Normally, I'd just be annoyed. Pissed maybe, cuz I never ever am wrong. Never. Except when she says I am. Then my whole world crumbles. No, with other people, it's pai sehness. With her, I'm shattered. I just noticed this five minutes ago. I think she wants to yell at me. I'm extremely sad that she didn't. It would have been better if she did, but she didn't.

Broken

Falling into a million pieces
only you can do
So much for being strong
I'm nothing without you

Sometimes you don't say it
even though I know you should
But I realise one thing
I'm dead if you would

It's silence that now greets me
in my silent room now dark
The air is cold, the window's closed
my mind reeling from the fuck

I can't help but be this way
worthless as I am
I don't really wonder why
you would ever give a damn

In the end I guess you'll never hear
these silent words I've spoken
Everyday I sit and stare
complete as I am broken

Jin out.

normalcy...

What is normal is usually not, at least in a way most people can't see. What's so normal about being normal? It has become some sort of twisted reality, where it is the very 'in' thing to be different. Since everyone's doing it, wouldn't it be the anamoly to be the one who stays the same?

Warped Reality

What is the truth?
What is not?
Can we find what is not there?
Can we understand that we do not care?
Is there a hope for those lost in a storm?
Is there a reason for those who mourn?
Perhaps we all need a chance?
Perhaps there is something left behind?
Where do the answers lie?
Where is this warped reality?

Jin out.

refreshed purpose...

Aih. The whole idea of writing from a fantasy point of view has been in vain. It was a stupid idea in the first place, anyhow. Shame to let a blog go to waste, so I'll use this as my poetry archive, not that anyone noticed. Oh well. It's all for the better.

Falling out of Bed

I fall out of bed
In the morning
And I want to crawl back in
But I can't

I hobble into the bathroom
Picking up the toothbrush
And look into the mirror
I see death

I pull on my clothes
Onto a fading wreck
And I feel the dying heartbeat
I choke

I walk down to breakfast
Alone into the room
And pick up my coffee
The cup spills

I walk out the door
To face the careless world
And I halt
As I drop lifeless to the floor

Jin out.